Written for: Community association managers and board members
These are the conflict and de-escalation terms used across our guide to dealing with difficult owners and heated meetings, defined in plain English and applied to Florida community associations. Most come from crisis negotiation, mediation, couples research and assertiveness training. Each entry names its source.
The method
Hear, Name, State, Next
The four-step structure Hamilton Mikes teaches for heated association conversations. Hear: let the person finish. Name: say back their concern and the feeling behind it. State: give the board's position or the rule once, with its source. Next: say what happens now and when. It lets a manager or director acknowledge an owner without giving in.
Acknowledge without agreeing
Recognizing what a person thinks and feels without accepting what they demand. "I can see why you're frustrated" acknowledges; "the board's decision is still that…" holds the position. The two can be said in the same breath.
From crisis negotiation
Active listening
Listening in a way the other person can see and hear: short encouragers ("I see," "Go on"), paraphrasing, labeling emotions, open-ended questions and pauses. It is the first step in the FBI's crisis negotiation model.
Behavioral Change Stairway Model
A crisis negotiation model associated with FBI negotiation training (Vecchi, Van Hasselt and Romano) in which active listening leads to empathy, empathy to rapport, rapport to influence, and only then to a change in behavior. For managers, the lesson is the order: listen before trying to persuade.
Emotional labeling
Naming the emotion you hear, usually starting with "It sounds like…" or "It seems like…" ("It sounds like you feel the board isn't listening"). A label invites the person to confirm or correct you, which keeps them talking instead of attacking.
Mirroring
Repeating the last few important words someone said, as a gentle question. Owner: "Nobody ever answers at that office." Manager: "Nobody answers?" The person usually explains, more specifically and less angrily. Popularized for business by former FBI negotiator Chris Voss.
Calibrated questions
Open questions beginning with "how" or "what" that invite the other person to help solve the problem: "What would a fair process look like to you?" They can also decline a demand without a flat no: "How am I supposed to do that before the board meets?"
Accusation audit
Naming, before you deliver bad news, the negative things the other person is probably thinking: "You're probably going to feel this is the board singling you out." Saying it first takes away much of its sting. A Chris Voss technique.
Effective pause
Deliberately staying quiet after the other person speaks. Silence often draws out the real issue and slows the pace of an argument.
From mediation
Interests vs. positions
A position is what someone demands ("remove the fine"); an interest is why they want it ("I don't want to be singled out," "I can't afford it this month"). From Roger Fisher and William Ury's Getting to Yes. You often can't grant a position but can sometimes meet the interest.
Objective criteria
Standards outside anyone's preference: the declaration, the rules, the statute, the reserve study, the engineer's report. Pointing to them ("the board is following the reserve study") lands better than "the board decided." Also from Getting to Yes.
Looping (looping for understanding)
Restating what someone said, asking whether you got it right, and adjusting until they say yes. Taught by mediators Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein. It is often the moment a conversation turns, because the person finally has proof they were understood.
Separating the people from the problem
Treating the owner as a neighbor with a problem rather than as the problem. Another Getting to Yes principle.
From couples research
Flooding
The overwhelmed state, with a racing heart and rising voice, in which a person physically can't take in new information. Research from Dr. John Gottman and the Gottman Institute suggests a break of at least 20 minutes, spent on something calming. In association terms: a recess, or "let me call you back this afternoon."
Harsh startup
Opening a hard conversation with an accusation ("You've ignored three letters"). Gottman's research found conversations tend to end the way they begin. The alternative, a soft startup, opens with facts and a neutral tone.
Repair attempt
Any small move that stops an argument from escalating: a bit of humor, "let me try that again," "I didn't say that well." Make them, and accept them when the other person makes one.
The Four Horsemen
Gottman's name for the four patterns most damaging to a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Contempt (eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery) is the most damaging, and board rooms aren't immune.
From writing and assertiveness training
BIFF response
A written reply that is Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm, developed by Bill Eddy, a lawyer, mediator and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute, for writing to high-conflict people. See our BIFF email checklist.
Broken record
Calmly repeating the same short answer without adding new arguments to debate. From psychologist Manuel Smith's assertiveness techniques. "I understand. The board's decision is still that…"
Fogging
Agreeing with whatever part of a criticism is true, without giving up the decision: "You may be right that the notice could have been clearer." Also from Manuel Smith.
Nonviolent Communication
Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg's four-part way to raise a problem without blame: an observation, a feeling, a need and a specific request.
LEAPS
George Thompson's Verbal Judo sequence for gaining cooperation without force: listen, empathize, ask, paraphrase, summarize.
Association terms
Holding reply
A short acknowledgment sent before the board has the facts or a decision: "We received your message and will respond by Thursday." It promises a date, not an answer. See our sample reply to an angry owner email.
Single point of contact
A board-approved arrangement directing a difficult owner's communications to one person or one written channel. It can manage how an owner reaches staff, but it can't take away the owner's statutory rights to records, meetings or speaking on agenda items. See setting boundaries with an abusive owner.
Owner speaking rules
Written rules a board adopts on how often, how long and in what manner owners speak at board meetings. They organize the owner's statutory right to speak on agenda items; they can't eliminate it. See our sample owner speaking rules resolution.
When a difficult conversation turns into a threat, a demand or a legal question, Hamilton Mikes, P.A. can help the board respond. Call 239-594-7227 or reach us through our contact page.
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Printed from https://hamiltonmikes.com/managers/difficult-conversations/glossary · Hamilton Mikes, P.A. · 239-594-7227 · General information, not legal advice.
